A few months earlier when we were planning what was supposed to be our family vacation to Barcelona, Stephanie came into the kitchen and said she may not be able to go on the trip. I looked at her, perplexed. She had been talking about this trip all year long. "I'm pregnant." She announced.
"What?" My face turned ghostly pale as it had with our other two boys. Fear, terror, and excitement, stunned, a lack of words, a lack of the right words. We had never tried to get pregnant. It had always just happened within in the circadian rhythm of our life together. We were lucky. I'm not even sure that Stephanie and I had wanted a family. We never thought about it, or spoke about it in depth.
Usually, we started planning after hearing the good news and the feeling was, well that's just what people do. People have families. There was no instruction manual or quota. We rolled with the punches. It was the ebb and flow of our lives. But, this was different. This was a BIG surprise. I certainly never would have guessed it and I didn't expect it. Rather, after all of these years of parenting you would think that I wouldn't refer to a pregnancy or a baby as an "it." Hadn't I learned anything? A life, this new life, he or she, living and breathing, cells beating, a heart.
"Are you sure?" I said.
"Yeah I'm sure."
"Wow." That was all I could say was wow. "I'm so happy. This is so exciting. I love you." And I hugged her. She put her face into the crook of my neck, the resting spot for her worries.
"So, what do you think?"
"What do you mean what do I think? I think it's wonderful. We're going to breath new life into the Doberman family. I'm shocked that we could accomplish such a task, but I guess, you never know, right? Maybe we'll have a girl?"
"Ha, I know Alex, but we're not young anymore."
"I know. But we're not old either. Plenty of people are having babies now. It could be fun. We'll actually know what we are doing."
"I know. I'm just worried."
"About what?"
"I don't know."
"Well, do you want to have another one?"
"Yeah, of course I do. Another one? Another baby, you mean?"
"It's a little miracle." My eyes began to tear up.
"I just, you know. I have a lot going on now and that will have to stop and I'm feeling annoyed by it. My whole life is going to change and yours really isn't."
"What are you saying Stephanie? I've been here. Right here with you. For everything for Brendan and Harris."
"Yeah. Yes. You have. But, a newborn."
"O.K, you're right. I'm useless in the face of a newborn and we've had talks about how you've alienated me before because I didn't know how to help you. And I've listened to you. Yes, I was inept when both Brendan and Harris were born. Blame it on my testosterone. I tried. But I was always there, maybe not intuitively. Maybe you had to ask me, but I was ALWAYS there. And it was a joy."
"I don't know. I felt like I was almost done, like we were going to get our lives back. And now I'm not done. I'm starting over."
"You and I both know that we're not done. As parents, we are never done. You called your mom up crying several times way into your thirties."
" I called her for support and we don't have to go over that again."
"I know, but we're older. We're experienced parents and you have Gisela to help you. There were other things too that were stressful, my practice. I know. But this time around. It's different. Have you told Gisela?"
"Yeah, but only her. I don't want to tell anyone else until, you know after three or four months."
"Of course."
Gisela was the nanny/cleaning lady that we didn't really need anymore. She was the sister of our old nanny who had gone back to retire in Ecuador. When she came to us, we felt like we couldn't say no. After all, we had supported her sister and her kids for most of their lives. Gisela was an attractive older woman, a few years younger than my wife. I had never had any positive or negative feelings towards her. She was an overpriced fixture. She cooked, she cleaned, she food-shopped, she gossiped, and most importantly she comforted and counseled my wife. I hate to say it, but sometimes my wife would just go crazy and I wouldn't know why. I wouldn't know what to do. I listened, but even then I could never figure out what was upsetting her. She was just emotional. But Gisela, she knew. And she did for my wife what I could not. I think Stephanie also liked her because she was ours. She didn't have any association to other wives or families, to the school system, etc. Gisela did for my wife, what I did for many of my patients. Although she was expensive, I didn't mind. And now with the new baby . . . Thank god for Gisela!
"So, we'll be O.K. I'm happy. This is exciting. You and me. This is our life together. I love you."
"I love you."
We stood in the kitchen, her face still buried in my neck. God how I love her.
"What?" My face turned ghostly pale as it had with our other two boys. Fear, terror, and excitement, stunned, a lack of words, a lack of the right words. We had never tried to get pregnant. It had always just happened within in the circadian rhythm of our life together. We were lucky. I'm not even sure that Stephanie and I had wanted a family. We never thought about it, or spoke about it in depth.
Usually, we started planning after hearing the good news and the feeling was, well that's just what people do. People have families. There was no instruction manual or quota. We rolled with the punches. It was the ebb and flow of our lives. But, this was different. This was a BIG surprise. I certainly never would have guessed it and I didn't expect it. Rather, after all of these years of parenting you would think that I wouldn't refer to a pregnancy or a baby as an "it." Hadn't I learned anything? A life, this new life, he or she, living and breathing, cells beating, a heart.
"Are you sure?" I said.
"Yeah I'm sure."
"Wow." That was all I could say was wow. "I'm so happy. This is so exciting. I love you." And I hugged her. She put her face into the crook of my neck, the resting spot for her worries.
"So, what do you think?"
"What do you mean what do I think? I think it's wonderful. We're going to breath new life into the Doberman family. I'm shocked that we could accomplish such a task, but I guess, you never know, right? Maybe we'll have a girl?"
"Ha, I know Alex, but we're not young anymore."
"I know. But we're not old either. Plenty of people are having babies now. It could be fun. We'll actually know what we are doing."
"I know. I'm just worried."
"About what?"
"I don't know."
"Well, do you want to have another one?"
"Yeah, of course I do. Another one? Another baby, you mean?"
"It's a little miracle." My eyes began to tear up.
"I just, you know. I have a lot going on now and that will have to stop and I'm feeling annoyed by it. My whole life is going to change and yours really isn't."
"What are you saying Stephanie? I've been here. Right here with you. For everything for Brendan and Harris."
"Yeah. Yes. You have. But, a newborn."
"O.K, you're right. I'm useless in the face of a newborn and we've had talks about how you've alienated me before because I didn't know how to help you. And I've listened to you. Yes, I was inept when both Brendan and Harris were born. Blame it on my testosterone. I tried. But I was always there, maybe not intuitively. Maybe you had to ask me, but I was ALWAYS there. And it was a joy."
"I don't know. I felt like I was almost done, like we were going to get our lives back. And now I'm not done. I'm starting over."
"You and I both know that we're not done. As parents, we are never done. You called your mom up crying several times way into your thirties."
" I called her for support and we don't have to go over that again."
"I know, but we're older. We're experienced parents and you have Gisela to help you. There were other things too that were stressful, my practice. I know. But this time around. It's different. Have you told Gisela?"
"Yeah, but only her. I don't want to tell anyone else until, you know after three or four months."
"Of course."
Gisela was the nanny/cleaning lady that we didn't really need anymore. She was the sister of our old nanny who had gone back to retire in Ecuador. When she came to us, we felt like we couldn't say no. After all, we had supported her sister and her kids for most of their lives. Gisela was an attractive older woman, a few years younger than my wife. I had never had any positive or negative feelings towards her. She was an overpriced fixture. She cooked, she cleaned, she food-shopped, she gossiped, and most importantly she comforted and counseled my wife. I hate to say it, but sometimes my wife would just go crazy and I wouldn't know why. I wouldn't know what to do. I listened, but even then I could never figure out what was upsetting her. She was just emotional. But Gisela, she knew. And she did for my wife what I could not. I think Stephanie also liked her because she was ours. She didn't have any association to other wives or families, to the school system, etc. Gisela did for my wife, what I did for many of my patients. Although she was expensive, I didn't mind. And now with the new baby . . . Thank god for Gisela!
"So, we'll be O.K. I'm happy. This is exciting. You and me. This is our life together. I love you."
"I love you."
We stood in the kitchen, her face still buried in my neck. God how I love her.
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